Do you ever just feel…alone?

I do…but why?

It’s simple. It’s because I have an illness.

Well, perhaps it’s not “simple”, but perhaps it’s a reason.

Even with my father, mother and sister right in the same house…I still feel alone. Never lonely, that’s for sure. Just…alone. Even with tons of people around me, and even if I talked about how I felt until my mouth fell off…there would still be that feeling of “alone”.

It’s never going to be sufficient because whoever it is you’re talking to won’t completely understand everything that you’re going through. Unless, of course, I was speaking to another Lupus patient on dialysis. Even then, it’s not exactly the same. No Lupus patient is.

I take after my father. I’m a big giver. I give and I give and I give until I have nothing. Often times, while one shouldn’t necessarily expect to get something in return when one gives…I often feel like I’ve gotten nothing in return. Giving is supposed to make you feel happy…but I’m often left feeling empty.

So what to do then? Stop giving? Change who I am? Probably not. But what I will do is give. Give to myself.

I’m going to get a pedicure in the winter time. I’m going to go for walks by myself. I’m going to go places (like the CN Tower or the museum) by myself. I have to realize that I can’t rely on other people to make me happy. I can’t blame others for making me sad.

I just have to “do me”.

I also think that part of it is the fact that I haven’t been to school for a while. Since May of 2006 to be exact. I think I need school. I need to do this for myself. I need that piece of paper that tells me that I’ve accomplished something great. That is to say, accomplished something great in spite of the fact that there are barriers and obstacles to overcome.

I have no idea if anything I just typed made since, but the point is this. I’m determined to make positive changes in my life…and I can’t wait.