Thursday, December 18, 2014

Crazy Few Months

The tears haven't stopped, but they flow less frequently. The hurting hasn't stopped, but I'm managing to find joy in things all over again. 

I love to write-I love to blog. And when something happens in my life that is so...strong that it takes me to a point where I don't feel like doing things I love...I dunno how to explain it. It's just amazing and terrifying how you're so sad, so hurt, that you don't even want to ATTEMPT to find joy in things. 

I had gotten to a point where I felt so overwhelmed, so hopeless. And the thing is...whenever something negative happens in my life, I need to find something to blame. I blame my health-I blame it a lot. I have said this more than once-I strongly believe that if I didn't have to deal with all of these hurdles, I would have certainly been at a point in life where I would already be married, with a house, and at least one child by now, if not two. 

I do think about that a lot, but at the same time, if my life's path had taken a different turn, I certainly wouldn't be the person that I am today, nor will I have been able to establish many of the friendships in my life that I cherish. I may not have been so caring-so sensitive. If someone that I love/care about is hurting, I'm hurting too. When people tell me the rough things they have gone through in life, I cry for them and with them. I care SO deeply for others, and I hate to see others sad or down. Sometimes I think of things that a friend had told me earlier in the day, something sad, and I'll go home, go into my room, close the door...and cry. Is it because I'm a crybaby? Nah. It's simply because I'm an emotional person who...who loves those around me. I'm thankful for those around me. 

I know I've said this before, but it's on my mind so I have to say it again. I often wonder if I care TOO much for others. If I care about someone, LOVE someone, trust that every inch of me, every hair on my body, every cell, every inch of me, cares and loves for that someone. I've often thought to myself that I should stop doing that. Stop caring so much. 

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to "not" care, or even to care less. After this last...blow that I suffered, I've learned that everything isn't always what it seems. I've learned that actions speak louder than words, and if I'm being honest with myself, the actions that I often witnessed were telling.  I need to stop...settling. Don't get me wrong-in spite of the great disappointment that I suffered because of this guy, I do still care about him. He did treat me quite well in the beginning. He did chase me. He did text when I didn't. But then, when I was "got"- when I was no longer a challenge, when things flipped from him really going out of his way to see me to the other way around, what's what I began...holding on for dear life. How stupid. I don't hate him, and I don't think he was being malicious and set out to hurt me. But he did make poor choices, and he did put me through some shit that just wasn't necessary. But...I knew that. And I didn't run for my life. How stupid. 

I think I'm a pretty cool person. I'm kind, I'm funny, I care about others, I help others, and I think I can safely say that I'm not ugly. I think that I sometimes need to just...step back and remember these things. I think that if I can do that, I'll be ok. And if you're reading this, and you are going through some shit, whether it's related to your health, relationships, life in general, just remember that a single "setback" doesn't define you. You're allowed to be sad. You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to feel like.."why does crap like this always happen to me?"  Do it. Take the time you need to take to mourn. Once the acute pain and sadness has faded, you may still have your ups and downs where you think about that "setback". 

Just remember, no matter what, you'll be okay. Wounds heal but scars remain-but even those scars fade to a point where they are so faint that they're just a distant memory of a past pain. It's alright-you'll be okay. WE'LL be okay. 
 
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