Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Hurting

I only just logged onto my blog today and saw all of the wonderful comments that were left on my last post. They honestly made me cry, and I really appreciate the fact that there are people out there, strangers in fact, who care so much that they would leave such kind comments. I really appreciate each of them. I also apologize for the recent collection of "not-so-uplifting" posts.

I suffered another setback. The gentleman that I was dating, as of last night/this morning, is no longer mine.

We had a beautiful dinner that he prepared while I performed sous chef duties. We watched a movie over dinner as time quickly passed. Before we knew it, it was almost 10:30pm. That was normally bedtime, as he has about an hour+ drive just to get to work in the morning. I had been feeling distance between us on and off, and I knew something was wrong. We were supposed to hang out this weekend, but he said he wasn't feeling well.  I knew that wasn't true.  I later learned that he just wanted to be at home..by himself...because he was down, and because he was scared.

I knew that he too was going through struggles as it relates to his career, family..life in general. I met him on a dating website online about 2 months ago. We had talked about removing our dating profiles a couple of times after we had dated for a while and figured out that we liked each other. But, I had noticed that he had never removed his profile...and in fact, signed into it quite frequently.

I asked him about it for the third time yesterday. He finally told me the truth-he wasn't ready.

I was confused, as he was the one who pursued me, asked me out and continued to do so even though I blew him off a bit. He was the one who said he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He was the one who said he wanted us to move in together. He was the one who said he wanted us to go on vacation together in November. He was the one who talked about meeting my parents sooner rather than later. He was the one who caught me off guard when he used the "L" word as we dined by candlelight at a lovely quiet restaurant late one evening. He told me that he was a liar, and didn't mean those things. He told me that he was a bad person, and he didn't know why he did the things he did. I know that his experiences in the past with women haven't been favourable ones, and he explained his fear to me as relates to commitment.

I knew his struggles-his ups and downs. His past unfavourable relationships, his "cons". And still, I was wanting and willing to be there for him as he had been there for me. He would tell me that I was too good for him, and that I was too good for him. At first I thought it was cute, but as he continued to say it every so often, it troubled me.

He apologized.

As I layed there in bed, my head still on his shoulder in complete darkness, I cried quietly so he wouldn't hear. I didn't know what to say or do. I thought of getting up and going home, but it would be a long trek for me-at least 30 minutes by cab, or an hour and a half by public transit.  I wondered, again, why me? What is so terrible about me that relationship after relationship ends in the same (or similar) way? Commitment issues? I decided that I would just stay until the morning, and let him take me home. We shared a few words, as he tried to talk to me, make jokes, etc as we drove down the highway. I didn't say much. I was stuck on the fact that his passenger side seatbelt smelled like women's perfume- perfume that wasn't mine.

It was what I read in his dating profile in the first place that attracted me to him. He spoke about being tired of being in relationships where he was the only one trying. He spoke about looking for someone who could share everything with, which would hopefully result in a long term relationship. Did he lie about that too? Did I "fall for it"?

Honestly-where did I go wrong?

..this sucks. Like...why me?  This. Sucks.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be

I wish the "me" of 10 years ago could have a conversation with the "me" of today.

Let me tell you about the "me" of 10 years ago.

She was a strong woman who had been through a lot. High school was blur, as she spent a good deal of it in and out of the hospital. I don't know how she did it, but she did.  

She was fearless. She did what she wanted, and she didn't put up with your crap, her crap, his crap, or anyone's crap. She would cut you off at the drop of a dime. She would think of you after cutting you off...maybe once or twice. But that was it. 

She handled her struggles with grace and courage. Life was unpredictable. She often went to sleep not knowing what news she would get the following day. In spite of that, she still "did her thing". She went clubbing, to bars with her friends, and she met people. She maintained a decent level of self confidence, even though the high doses of prednisone altered her appearance. It didn't matter- her personality and confidence shined through.

I wish I could invite her from the past, as a lot has changed. The old me wouldn't cry 6 out of 7 days of the week, She wouldn't be sad all the time. And if she did get sad, she would remove whatever it was in her life that was making her sad. Today's me doesn't do that. I don't do that because I'm too scared to lose what I already have...even if it's not the most positive thing. Does that even make sense?

I often wonder if certain things in life, for me, are simply just "not meant to be". Maybe I'm having a hard time finding a job because...it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe my ability to have a nice, semi-normal life (whatever that means) is near impossible..because it just wasn't meant to be. In Christianity, there is no such thing as a "previous life". But, if they did/do exist, is it possible that I was a really, really shitty person back then, and I'm paying for it now?

Not EVERYTHING in life is shitty-of course not. I have amazing family and amazing friends. But, as I've mentioned in the past, there are major facets in life where I'm either failing or just beginning, and this makes me sad as hell.

It's hard to get a "linkedin" notification showing all of the friends that you love and went to school with doing so well while you're in the same place you were even before going to school. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends and want them to do well..I just wish I was doing well too.

It's hard to sign into facebook and see all of your beautiful friends with their beautiful families...knowing that you're really nowhere near that point in your own life.

My life is difficult already-I have health issues to keep an eye on, which means multiple doctor visits, blood work, lab tests, etc. Why does it have to be even...harder?  I wish the universe would give me a break for once...I'm already having a hard time here.


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

"Bad Luck Comes in Threes?"- Revisited

Nearly two years ago I blogged about some struggles I was going through. I talked about what was making me sad at the time as it relates to my health, my physical appearance, and my heart. If you haven't read it, here it is-"Back Luck Comes in Threes?".

I read back on that entry today. In fact, I read it at least a few times a year.

I talked about how upset I was with my appointment at the plastic surgeon's office. Let me be 100% clear-I was wronged.  I was left with a horrendous scar because of the negligence of hospital staff.  In spite of this, they didn't want to help me. Nobody wanted to help me.  I appealed to the plastic surgeon and was told that because this was strictly cosmetic and not "medically necessary", it wouldn't be covered by the government and I would end up paying out of pocket. I appealed to patient relations-I was also told that they would not be assisting me, and maybe I should consider getting psychiatric help to deal with my body issues. In the end, I found a plastic surgeon who charged me much less than I had expected, and I was "fixed". Am I 1,000% happy with the results? Yes-based on what we were working with, the improvement is phenomenal. Am I happy that I had to go through this in the first place? No.  I often wonder how things would have turned out if I had stayed at TGH and didn't go home, then head to TWH the following day. Would this same mistake have been made? Perhaps this is the way things were meant to be-maybe if I had stayed at TGH something far worse would have happened to me. A blessing in disguise I suppose...disguised as a once grotesque, now acceptable vertical line scar below my belly button.

My struggles as far as my career haven't changed much. I'm still working in the same role that I was in two years ago, and I'm definitely more frustrated now than I was then.  Being in school full time, home dialysis, lupus, and multiple doctor's appointments? Guess what-NOT EASY. I busted my tail just to keep up. On top of that, I never was, nor will I ever be, good with the "middle of the pack". I had to either be at the top or very close to it. My refusal to just be "ok" of course made things difficult. Couple regular course work with studying for the NKE with everything else? Dang-crazy. My argument is this-I've worked hard to pass the NKE, go back to school, finish it with Deans List honours and academic awards to boot...and yet, no one wants to hire me.

Lucky for me, a company did take me on as an intern in an HR capacity, so there is progress. It's still a bit difficult for me since I'm still not exactly where I want to be, nor do I feel like I'm progressing...fast enough, but still, I'm further now than I was two years ago.

A funny thing happened.  In the above post, I spoke about a guy I was dating. Let me tell you-this guy was MADE for me. Nobody could tell me NOTHING about him. He was cute, funny, charming, easy to talk to, easy to listen to...and most importantly, I just felt great when I was around him. Butterflies in my stomach were on 10 out of 10 every time I'd hear the special ringtone or text tone I had set special for him. I cared for him more deeply than I've cared for anyone in a long time. I hadn't made an effort to get really close to anyone while I was dealing with dialysis, so meeting and hanging out with this guy made me feel so...brand new. We had an amazing and hilarious time together every single time.

Then, he left. He disappeared.

I had no idea what happened to him or why. He just...disappeared. I called, I emailed, I texted. Nothing. I didn't know what to do, but I know how I felt. I felt like a piece of shit. How could I be so blind? Was there something in our relationship that I didn't see? What was I missing? Why did he just up and leave me like that? Then ignore me?

I can't even begin to describe how sad I was. I blamed myself. I went over every conversation we had in my mind with a fine tooth comb, thinking of all the things I should or shouldn't have said. Heaven forbid someone should say something very simple and otherwise normal to me at that point in time-I would burst into tears. I was the definition of a basket case.

I never FULLY got over it. But then...a year later, he and I reconnected. We picked up where we left off, and everything was well in the world again. "Don't do that to me again!" I exclaimed. "I won't" he said happily.

Until..2 months later...he did the exact same thing. Again.

Fucking. Shattered. Even worse than before. And...so mad at myself. Mad that it happened again. I really believed things would be different this time-I really did with all of my heart.

They weren't. What's worse?

I prayed.  I prayed for God to bring him back into my life because I simply could not see myself with anyone else. But that prayer fell on deaf ears.

Until yesterday.

He sent me a text to apologize.  He can't stop thinking about me. He wants to pick up where we left off. Again.

This is what I prayed for. I wanted him back.  I was speechless because this isn't want I thought would happen-I never expected to hear from him again. But I did. And here we were.

I took me a long time to really want to date again. I didn't trust. In fact, I still have trouble. And yet, here I am, with him wanting to give it a go for a 3rd time.

I'm seeing someone else now. He makes me laugh, he has a good heart, he's generous, and he gives good bear hugs.

In spite of the tears and disappointment, I will always hold him in my heart. I loved him. This is why it was so hard for me-I loved him SO much... and yet he was so easily able to walk away from me, never looking back.  Even if I wasn't dating someone...how can I go back to someone who admitted to me that he left me because of his own commitment issues? He said he has changed..do people change?

What I know is this-I'm sad. I'm sad that he left me like that in the first place, and I'm sad that I felt so...damaged after it happened.

I don't know what the future holds, but right now I'm content with the gentleman that I'm with. We have a good time together and we both have a silly sense of humour. I think I'll keep him for a while.

It's crazy how things change, people change, and circumstances change. Who knows-maybe I'll revisit this post again and I'll have a job in HR and I'll be announcing my engagement or something-who knows. I just hope that "luck", if such a thing exists, gets a bit better for me moving forward.

xo
 
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