Saturday, September 20, 2014

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be

I wish the "me" of 10 years ago could have a conversation with the "me" of today.

Let me tell you about the "me" of 10 years ago.

She was a strong woman who had been through a lot. High school was blur, as she spent a good deal of it in and out of the hospital. I don't know how she did it, but she did.  

She was fearless. She did what she wanted, and she didn't put up with your crap, her crap, his crap, or anyone's crap. She would cut you off at the drop of a dime. She would think of you after cutting you off...maybe once or twice. But that was it. 

She handled her struggles with grace and courage. Life was unpredictable. She often went to sleep not knowing what news she would get the following day. In spite of that, she still "did her thing". She went clubbing, to bars with her friends, and she met people. She maintained a decent level of self confidence, even though the high doses of prednisone altered her appearance. It didn't matter- her personality and confidence shined through.

I wish I could invite her from the past, as a lot has changed. The old me wouldn't cry 6 out of 7 days of the week, She wouldn't be sad all the time. And if she did get sad, she would remove whatever it was in her life that was making her sad. Today's me doesn't do that. I don't do that because I'm too scared to lose what I already have...even if it's not the most positive thing. Does that even make sense?

I often wonder if certain things in life, for me, are simply just "not meant to be". Maybe I'm having a hard time finding a job because...it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe my ability to have a nice, semi-normal life (whatever that means) is near impossible..because it just wasn't meant to be. In Christianity, there is no such thing as a "previous life". But, if they did/do exist, is it possible that I was a really, really shitty person back then, and I'm paying for it now?

Not EVERYTHING in life is shitty-of course not. I have amazing family and amazing friends. But, as I've mentioned in the past, there are major facets in life where I'm either failing or just beginning, and this makes me sad as hell.

It's hard to get a "linkedin" notification showing all of the friends that you love and went to school with doing so well while you're in the same place you were even before going to school. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for my friends and want them to do well..I just wish I was doing well too.

It's hard to sign into facebook and see all of your beautiful friends with their beautiful families...knowing that you're really nowhere near that point in your own life.

My life is difficult already-I have health issues to keep an eye on, which means multiple doctor visits, blood work, lab tests, etc. Why does it have to be even...harder?  I wish the universe would give me a break for once...I'm already having a hard time here.


6 thought(s):

Paulistana na Califórnia said...

Hi Miz Flow.
I've been reading your blog for a while trying to find people who are going through the same challenges of having a chronic disease and trying to do the best to have a "normal" life. I was diagnosed with Lupus Nephritis in the beginning of this year and I am still fighting to keep things under control.
But I do not want to talk about me.
I want to talk to you that yourself today went through a lot of things during those 10 years. You are a warrior. Life leaves a lot of scars on us, and our experiences do make us stronger but also changes our perspective in life.
Do a favor to yourself and don't compare your life with of other people specially what you see on Facebook/Linkedin/Instagram, etc, etc. They just put in a window a beautiful display of life that they want people to see. Everybody have their own battles and struggles and when you are not feeling good yourself it is very easy to feel more discouraged and disappointed seeing that everybody seems to be in a better place than you. They might or might not. They are just in a different place because they have a different life. Period. Be kind to yourself.
You have a lot in your plate and to be honest to manage Lupus sometimes seems a full time job. Make the most of what you have, the support of family and friends, hobbies, things that you enjoy doing. You might not be able to do everything you want - today for example I almost cried in a restaurtant because I wanted to eat Fettucinne Alfredo and I just couldn't because of the sodium content. I had to be happy eating just a salad. I was mad for a moment, but then I looked at my husband and I just thought"well, I am still able to enjoy a meal in a restaurant in this beautiful day and I am not in a hospital bed, so no point at being mad". I still thought about the fettucine alfredo but soon I did not even remember that.
So please, be kind to yourself and make the most of the life you have. I bet that a lot of your friends would not have the strength to fight the same way you do. It is ok to feel descouraged, depressed, to want more in life, but never underestimate the fact that you are alive and you still makes a difference in a life of a lot of people who loves you.
Take care and if you want to keep in touch, just email me.!
God bless you!

Party of 5 said...

I found your blog a while ago and have been a silent reader. I see so much of what you're saying as a testament to your strength...honesty with oneself is key.
I have so many of the same thoughts that you do about who I used to be, and who I am now...it leaves me frustrated.
I often ask God to give me what I need, but sometimes when I am SO sure that something is good for me, I forget that he can see what I cannot.

Good luck in your career path, and with all the little things that pop up.

ticklemebear happy said...

i totally get you! i'm 28 without a husband/fiance or children. I still live with my parents saving to buy a home. I chose a career that pays nearly nothing unless you're in government, which is hard to break into. i feel "behind." i figure my life is the way it is and i shall just let it play out the way it was intended, but sometimes it does suck! i tell myself it could be worse and that i'm actually pretty lucky. i'm sure you know that about yourself as well. but i say, there are moments we need to sulk, cry and be angry. then we wipe our tears, get up and conquer the world! xoxo

I will be awesomely amazing said...

*sending you a million hugs*

Life is what is, and sometimes it tend to be more terrible than great.

Life just seem so much easier, and the possibilities more endless when your a teen/early 20s.

Anonymous said...

let me tell you something, the courage I can perceive from your blog is something immensely remarkable. Where I come from, we are constantly surrounded by threats from many fronts, so,please keep fighting the good fight and NOT surrender. I'll write more to you later, but as of right now I'm in an emergency room too. Please, keep going on.

Shania said...

It's weird that we have so many of the same thoughts and similarities in our life. I read a quote that always makes me feel better about dating. Just because you haven't found your king does not mean you are not a queen. Keep being the queen you are and your king will come.

 
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