Saturday, January 16, 2010

Why so sleepy?

I'm so sleepy today. My alarm went off at 6:40am today as it usually does on Saturday mornings. I got up at 6:50. I managed to make it through the day but the idea of possibly just asking to go home passed through my mind. My whole body feels so tired.

I have not done my blood work this month yet but I will later on. Sometimes when I feel strange, I'm nervous about getting bloodwork done. I'm nervous that something will be found in my blood that I don't want to be found. I'm scared that they will find that I am severely anemic, I'm scared that they will see that I'm flaring, etc.

I almost feel like...well I haven't had a flare for a while so "I'm due". You know what I mean? Life definitely should not be lived in fear, but I have to admit, I do sometimes get scared. I'm in the middle of school and doing well...and I don't want anything to screw it up. I have a plan in mind and I don't want anything to mess it up. I want to graduate college, write and pass the NKE, and get a great job in HR in the same building and for the same organization that I already work for (not necessarily in that order). I'm even considering perhaps doing night school or distance education after I have graduated from college so that I can get my university degree in HR. I considered transfering to Humber College straight away (ie. in September) and get going on the degree right away...but I would really like to try and finish school with my friends. That way, if for whatever reason I decide getting my degree is not for me, at least I'll have gotten my advanced college diploma already...and hopefully I can graduate with honours!

Aaaaand then on top of that, there is always that chance that colleges here will actually go on strike!

I really just want things to work, you know? I'm tired of things not working. I want to be the woman who says "Hey look, in spite of this, and this, and this....AND that, I'm here, I succeeded, I finished school, I got a great job, I'm self sufficient...and I'm HAPPY!" I'm definitely happy now, don't get me wrong. I have wonderful family and wonderful friends who mean the world to me. But I just hope that one day I can do things and get things and have things of my own...and look back and be proud of the fact that "I did that"!

That said, in order to do that, I'm going to have to finish school. So, I'm going to go change my clothes, wash the makeup off my face, and read a few pages in my textbooks!

1 thought(s):

d'Artagnan said...

I relate to what you have to say about not living in fear. It is sometimes hard not to feel afraid when you are dealing with chronic illness. I hope everything works out for you!

 
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