Saturday, November 28, 2009

Year Full of Tears

Today was a regular Saturday like every other. I went to work. My Mom picked me up. We went shopping. We came home.

Little did I know that I was coming home to bad news.

I came home and took off my shoes. I hadn't yet taken off my jacket, but something told me to just go to the den and say hi to my dad. So I went there and said Hi to him. I gave him a hug too. He covered his eyes with one hand. I asked him what had happened. He said "My friend died". When I asked him who, I had to ask him to repeat it twice. Not because I did not hear what he said, but because I did not want to believe what he said.

Cyril Yearwood. He was the chaplain for Toronto Police's 55 Division. It feels weird for me to type "was". When my father told me, I simply sat down. I did not know what to say. My father was talking but I could barely hear anything past the deafening sound of sadness in my mind. He was such a wonderful and selfless man. I remember him coming to visit me all the time when I was in the hospital. I remember him praying for me, crying to God to release me from all that I was going to. So sincere. So lovely. Such a huge smile that was so bright that it could light up the darkest room...and no matter how down in the dumps you may have couldn't help but smile also.

It's so hard to believe that he is gone. I'm not sure how old he was. Probably in his late 60s or early 70s. It's hard for me to tell because he was so young at heart. He was also strong...strong as ever.

Sometimes when th house phone rings, I do not answer it as i know the call is not for me. But, if I happen to be near the phone and I look at the call display and I see his name...I answer. He's pleasant, and I like talking to him...even if it is only for a moment. I had no idea when I stepped out of the car that day, when my dad picked me up from work to take me home and Reverend Yearwood was there too, that when I looked back and said "Bye" to would be the last time I'd see his smiling face. I had no idea when I hung up the phone after saying goodbye to Reverend Yearwood because my father was not home that it would be the last time I'd hear his joyful voice. I simply had no idea. I guess we rarely do.

I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep until this year is over.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I'm just loving dr's appointments!

I'm currently sitting in the waiting room in the eye clinic of the hospital. I was 10 minutes late for my 11am appointment. By the time I found the place I was going to be, the lineup was huge.

After about 20 minutes, I found myself finally ready to be checked in. I sat down and looked at my watch. 11:30.

Shortly after, a lady came out and informed me that all the technologists had gone on lunch at 11:30 and would be gone for an hour. I couldn't believe my ears. I had lost my spot simply because I was in THEIR lineup waiting to be seen by the receptionists.

My intent was to finish this appointment and head back to school to do homework. No such luck I guess...
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Sunday, November 22, 2009

H1N1 Aftermath

It's a few days after I received my shot. I received it on Thursday afternoon. The shot itself did not hurt. It was no more painful than any other flu shot in the arm.

After I got the shot, I went to school and was fine.

When I got home, my father told me to expect a sore arm the next day. I thought he was nuts. My automatic assumption was that if I didn't feel sore right after getting the shot, I wouldn't feel sore at all!

Father knows best.

My arm was sore the very next morning, and is stll sore today, 3 days later. Crappy! But it is much less sore today than it was on Friday morning.

I sure hope that getting this shot has adequately protected myself from H1N1! :\

Now one last quick note as I have to continue studying for my economics test on Wednesday morning. On Friday, I got back my Recruitment and Selection test. I got 40/50, so I got 80% Yay me! Why do I ALWAYS think I did poorly on tests when, in fact, I've done well??

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Dialysis supplies room!

Here are some before pictures of what my dialysis supplies room looks like, prior to getting it as organized as I would like. I'm just happy that all of the boxes are actually in the room as opposed to sitting on the floor in the middke of the dining room! Take note that I uploaded these pics from my Blackberry so I apologize if they are not top notch, but I think they get the point across.

Also included are a few pictures of good ol' B-16- Formula Home Care System!

Hello, Mr. B-16! I call hin that because right above that blue box that says formula, there is another, smaller blue tag that says "B-16". One of the pictures that follow will show his name tag.

Thumbs up to being ready to connect!

Mr. B-16. The pump is off and he's waiting for me to connect! I plan to take more pictures and get/eat a small bowl of apple sauce before connecting to you, Mr. B-16

Hello again, Mr. B-16. There's your name tag!

Box upon box of Sodiun Chloride, aka saline. This is actually 8 boxes as there is another set of four behind the set of four that you see here. Against the wall in the red bag is my yoga mat..a mat that I need to utilize more often!

Dialyzers and a blue box containing gauze up top, then tubing on two shelves, then at the bottom we have some acid concentrate and a bottle of bleach. Don't worry, guys. I promise not to get the acid concentrate and the bleach mixed up.

Mr. Bleach on a date with Ms. Acid Concentrate. I don't think they are compatible or even like each other very much.

*barf*! full of boxes!

Corner shelves contain syringes, needles, tip caps, alcohol wipes, non-alcohol wipes, etc.

I remember you, boot. I had to wear you for 8 weeks..and even when I went to England last year! What a drag. I hope I never have to wear you again.

So when my Papa has time, he is going to put some more shelves up for me so that I can have more space to put more stuff! More pics to follow when that happens...taking into consideration that I'm a full time student and a part time worker! (aka it likely ain't getting organized anytime before my trip to Florida at the end of December!)

Monday, November 16, 2009

How to not be discreet.

I'm currently on the subway on my way to school when a man started making these strange noises as he exited the train! It sounded as if he was saying "talk, talk, talk, talk, talk...". I though he was referring to a group of college students, also on the bus, who were chatting to each other. When I turned around and looked at him more closely, I saw that he had something up to his face which was is a white bag. "Booze, no doubt" I thought. It wasn't until the overwhelming stench of glue, or maybe paint thinner, smacked me in the face. Was that guy huffing chemicals on the train??
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Sunday, November 15, 2009

Break between studying

I am studying for a multiple choice quiz in my Training and Development class on Tuesday morning. It is multiple choice and is worth 5%. The last one I got a B or something. I'm shooting for the stars this time.

Last night was a late night. I went to my friend's uncle's house where she was holding her birthday party. Man was the house beautiful. I didn't know that houses like that existed in that area. Something to strive for i guess!

The party included great games, great conversation, and tons of catching up. We played guitar hero and other Wii games. There was one Mario game where you choose your Mario character and you run a 100 metre race. You hold the remote in one hand and a nunchuck in the other hand. Then, when the gun goes off to signify the beginning of the race, you have to move your hands back and forth as fast as you can (as if you were running). Man was I exhausted after playing a couple of times!

Well, back to the books!

Friday, November 13, 2009

H1N1 Vaccine

I got a call from one of the nurses from my home diaysis unit today. She told me that they have finally received the H1N1 Vaccine and will be administering it starting next week. I made my appointment to get the shot on Thursday.

Has anyone else gotten the Vaccine yet?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Not Sweating the Small Stuff

I was thinking about the conversation my father and I had a few days ago when he was driving me to work. Amongst other things, he was basically saying that everyone in the world has some sort of problem. Some have "bigger" problems, while others may not have anything that they see as a problem currently, but they have had problems in the past or will in the future.

When I go about my business at school and such, it kind of makes me sad to see the problems (unneccesary ones) that people put themselves through. People that I've grown to really like and that I look up to in terms of their work ethics and determination are the ones doing the silliest things! It's in my nature to be the person who is "there" for everyone, and yet I often find myself alone when it comes to these same people who rely so heavily on me.

I'm not saying that I will not be a friend to others. Quite the opposite, in fact. I guess I just don't like being put int he middle of a disagreement between two or more people that I consider friends. It doesn't matter if you're 8 or 80. There will always be some sort of drama as long as there are people around. Ah well. I just know that I'm not going to physically stress myself out over the small stuff.

I Remember

Lest we Forget

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Thank Goodness THAT is over!

My accounting test, that is.

Remember in my previous post I mentioned the poor formatting of some of the questions on the practice accounting quiz? Well, wouldn't you know that the test (which is an online test) had the same issues when I went to school to write it today?? And, because the prof gave us anytime between Monday morning and Wednesday afternoon to write this test, she wasn't specfically there to address this! One of the questions was outright missing a whole set of information needed to solve the question.

I emailed my prof and advised her and she replied quickly. She will review the test and make the appropriate adjustments.

I think I'm gonna hit the hay extra early today. I've packed my lunch and it's all ready for tomorrow. What I also plan to pack is a container of Clorox wipes for my desk at work. Other people are always on my computer, and the one girl who I know sits there often was home from work on Monday because she was sick!! Yikes!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The cloudiness of my eyes have subsided

...from the tears I've cried. What a long and strange few weeks. I feel like I'm at my breaking point. I simply cannot wait for this semester to be done and over with.

I've been trying to study for this accounting test. I went online to attempt the practice test. When I opened it, none of the questions made sense. There were no commas where commas should have been. No periods. No hyphens. Nadda! Well, there was none of the above punctuation in the most important parts of the questions.

I emailed the prof and she acknowledged that everything on the test looked mucked up. I'm going to give it another go tomorrow.

It's funny how different things are based on your prof. I work wednesdays so I have no classes that day. However, some of my friends have accounting that day and their profs allowed them to bring a "cheat sheet" into their tests. I wish we got that too. I don't see why not. Accounting isn't my major so it should be allowed. I could understand not allowing me to take notes into any of my hr classes...but c'mon.

I guess the combination of not being able to prepare for the test the way I wanted to just caused my tears to flow. My mom was there for me and comforted me.

All I can think of is December 21 when I'll be on the sandy beaches of Florida. Oh I ever need it. :(
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Saturday, November 7, 2009

Definitely the life of a 20-something with Lupus

My day consisted of lying in bed, sleeping. I am happy that I was actually able to sleep. I woke up this morning and started to give my blood back. When my tubes were clear, I began to disconnect myself from the machine...but I didn't feel well. I thought perhaps I had miscalculated and taken off too much fluid. I looked at the numbers I had entered into my machine as well as my dialysis logs. They both looked fine. While still connected to my machine, I stood on my nearby scale. My weight was perfectly fine and I hadn't dried myself out. I resumed disconnecting myself and pulling my needles.

I didn't feel well. It had nothing to do with being too dry. My stomach hurt. My body hurt. I felt exhausted. After clotting my arm off, I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face, exactly as I would on any Saturday morning. I tried to force it. No matter how often up Lupies try to force ourselves to do something, it's important to realize that if Lupus isn't having me. Lupus is NOT having it. My body was weak, my stomach felt crampy. I had to listen to myself. No work for me today.

I often do NOT listen to my body. I think if I did, I'd never go anywhere. But sometimes, you just have to listen to your body. I had everything all planned for today. I was going to go to work during the day and be home by 4:30. I was going to study for a few hours as I have two tests next week, then leave my house at around 6:50pm. Today is my friend's birthday, and we were all invited out for dinner. It was a really cool looking restaurant - lots of healthy, organic food.

We make plans.

Lupus laughs.

First Blackberry Post

So I realized that I can simply type a post from my cell phone and by emailing to myself I can post it to my blog. This will serve as more of a test post.

Sent from my BlackBerry device

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Long, Busy Day

Today was a pretty long day for me.

It started off early this morning. I got up just before 7am and got ready to go out. I went to a friend's house to get my hair done. That whole process took about 3.5-4 hours. I was lucky enough to have my Dad pick me up and drop me off at the subway. I also had a dialysis clinic appointment today.

I got to the hospital early, so I took the time to greet the nurses in my old in-centre dialysis unit. I was happy to see everyone and they were happy to see me. It's sad going back to that clinic, because I know that they're going to tell me about another person in the unit who has passed on. Today was no different.

After my visit, I headed back upstairs for my actual appointment. I waited for a few moments before being greeted by Fabian, one of the tech guys. He informed me of a new system/form they were implementing whereby I would have to fill out a document about my machine. The questions are yes/no questions, basically asking me the general questions like am I disinfecting my machine, am I doing the citric acid rinse, am I testing for bleach after disinfecting, etc.

I was a bit surprised (and I won't lie, disappointed) when a doctor other than my nephrologist called me in, when I saw my doctor just a few moments before. I knew that meant they were putting me in with a fellow. This means a billion questions when it is already 2:10pm and I have to get out of here, get back on the subway, and take another bus in order to get to school before 3pm.

I didn't get asked too many questions which is great. He did, however, question some of the medications that I'm taking (like cellcept), and also some that I truly felt that he felt I should be taking (like magnesium). I kind of get annoyed when they do that. My doctor(s) of a trillion years know what medications I'm on, and if they're happy at where I'm at, don't go and muck things up by taking things away-throwing extra things in. I already went through that during my pre-dialysis years. One doctor's quest to be a superhero and change all of my medications resulted in a serious flare and subsequent dialysis (dialysis that I feel didn't have to begin at least for another several months if not for that particular doctor). But, I digress.

He discussed my Feritin. My feritin was too high for his liking. Ah well, it hasn't changed in several months and I am just fine.

My real doctor came in and this fellow recited my history to my doctor. I left with a prescription for Losec (omeprazole).

After that, I hurried on down to school for business communications class. The prof handed back our mid-terms. She totally embarassed me by announcing that I got the highest mark in the class!! Why would she do that!!? I got 49.5/50. Why couldn't she just give me that extra .5 of a mark!!? I lost .5 because I accidentally put a question mark somewhere that should have been a period. Bah! Oh well, 49.5 is a-ok by me!

Classed ended at about quarter to 6pm, so I walked to the subway, which is about a 10 minute walk, and took the subway and the bus home.

Gah! I'm tired!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Ahhh...much better!

Today is a much better day for me than yesterday.

I was stresed and sad yesterday for a number of reasons. I just knew that if one more minor thing happened to me...if a fly landed on my keyboard as I typed through teary eyes..I was bound to have a total and complete breakdown if uncontrollable scream-crying. Luckily it did not get that far.

I was afraid to go to school. I had written a test 2 weeks prior and I was to get it back today. You ever have a test where you study and you study, but the material never seems to settle in your brain? That is what I was experiencing for this test. I studied and I studied. No dice. Simply just not as comfortable as I felt I should be.

I went in, wrote the test, and faked a happy smile the rest of that day.

So today, I arrived in class a bit late. Everyone else had already gotten their tests back. Mine was in a pile amongst others. I saw my test - 61/80, plus 2 extra marks would be added on later due to a computer error.'re saying I got 79% on a test I was convinced I failed? WOO HOO!

I do that a lot. I think I've done poorly on a test when, in fact, I've done well. I'm very happy with a B+.

Then today, my brother sent me a text message informing me that our mutual cell phone company was giving him grief over a phone upgrade he wanted to do. They said he'd have to pay $449 + an extra $35 to get this phone because he still has about 10 months left in his 3 year contract. Whaaa?? A new subscriber would get this same phone for $299 flat! He spoke to different levels of representatives, but none were willing to budge.

Since I work for a bank, I am able to get a corporate plan. I spoke to my corporate representative and he told me that if I added my brother's account to my own, he would not only get a discounted monthly price plan, but he'd also be able to get his phone for $299 (and no extra fee!)

Hey, this is my big brother we're talking about here. He's one of the best men I know. He's there for me 24/7. He taught me how to play video games, but even more I enjoyed watching him play as much as he enjoyed playing games when we were both younger. He allowed me, his younger sister, to hang out/bike ride, etc with HIS friends! What kind of brother does that? I'll tell you. An awesome one.

So I promptly text'd my brother to see if this was a good arrangement for him as it was a good arrangement for me. So, we went ahead with it..and now we're just waiting for his new blackberry to arrive. I'm happy because it saves my brother a whole heap of money not only on the phone, but also on the monthly plan. Just a mere fraction of what he does and has done for me since I was born, but it still made me feel great. I wish we had done it before so we could have saved him some money on his monthly plan in the past.

I'm a happy girl today. And thank you to those who read, sympathize, and comment!

--Yup, I got the virtual hug from Miriam via DSEN. Thank you too!

Monday, November 2, 2009


I feel like I write a lot of "just one of those days" posts.

My day was fine. I went to work today. Work was fine. Then, I went to school. School was also fine. Then, I came home. I was fine.

I sat in bed and looked to the right. I saw my dialysis machine. I could feel the tears building up in my eyes.

I see my machine everyday. In fact, I sometimes feel happy to see it, knowing that I do not have to go to the hospital frequently just to do dialysis. Other times, like today, I'm like...why do I even have to think this to myself? Why do I even have to be "happy" about not going to the hospital?

Most days, I'm ok. Other days, it's like...Im here, going to school and working part time, just trying to get by. Everyone else I know in school is doing that too...but they're not dealing with endless boxes of dialysis supplies, dialysis, doctor's appointments, kidney pagers, etc.

I'm sorry, but the whole thing just sucks sometimes.
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