Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's not them...it's me?

I've been struggling with something for a very long time. It hurts me to even talk about it. But I feel like I kind of need to just let it out.

As years pass and people grow and change, it's only natural that some of the friendships established will dwindle. But...what about the people who are still around you? What about the people who were like your best friends previously...and even when you try to reach out it just doesn't work?

I have so many situations/scenarios like this that I've come to the conclusion that there must be something about me that is making people shy away from me.

I honestly and truly don't think that I'm a bad person. I try to be nice to others unless they give me a specific reason not to.

There's this one person that I used to work with. He's a beautiful soul and I loved him as a friend very much. He was always there for me when I was down and out. He'd always call or text or facebook...anything just to keep in touch. In fact, when I was lying down in the emergency room waiting to be wheeled into emergency stomach surgery that day...his number was the 2nd number I dialed, 2nd only to my sister. When I was out of the hospital, he came to my house frequently to visit. Recently, the emails stopped. The texts stopped. I tried calling. I tried emailing. I tried texting. Nothing. I don't know why.

There's this other person that I went to college with. She's a delightful person and she made the already amazingly fun college year even better. She's always go out of her way to pick me up and drive me places...just so we could hang out. She once took me out to an amazing Italian restaurant for my birthday. She may not even know it, but she helped me learn a lot about myself. She taught me many things...the most important being a realization of who I was and who I wanted to be versus who I didn't want to be. I've sent her messages. Tried to find out what's going on in her life. Nothing. I don't know why.

There's this other person that I went to high school with. She's amazingly smart and nice as well. In fact, she and I even went on vacation together. We went to the Dominican Republic. It was my first trip without my parents. When she got her car, she'd drive me back and forth from school to home. We'd roll down the windows and scream/sing the song "I want it that way" by the backstreet boys, finding joy not only in being young and not caring how foolish we looked, but finding joy in the smiles of those in the cars around us, looking and pointing as we thrashed around in the car while stopped at a red light. I haven't gotten her to return a message in about 1.5-2 years.

There was one person that I met several years ago. We met and we hung out. I liked this person a lot. He also taught me a thing or two about myself. The thought of him made me smile and I'm sure the thought of me did the same for him. Everything about him was perfect. He made me feel secure. He made me feel like a princess. He made me feel like the only other person on this earth. And then, all off a sudden, it wasn't that way anymore...and a wall built up between us...a distance. I don't know why. While in this fairy tale, I didn't know that the parting hug we shared would be the last of it's kind between us. Nothing wrong or bad had happened...it just...happened. I am unsure, but I think he now makes someone else feel the way that I felt when he and I were together.

Someone who I would consider one of my very best friends still hasn't called/emailed to wish me a happy birthday. My birthday was 15 days ago.

I'm not sure what it is. But one thing is certain.

It all makes me sad.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Operation: Dialation

What a gorgeous day outside! Today's temperature was a wonderful 29 degrees celcius/84 Fahrenheit.

I had an eye appointment today, so I headed out to reach my appointment for 1pm.

The appointment went surprisingly fast. I headed to the appointment with my iPod in tote and fully charged, expecting to sit around for a while the way I had to the last time I went there. My appointment was at 1pm, but I got there at 10 minutes after 1. I signed in and was called into the doctor's office about 5 minutes after signing in. She did the initial check up then put the dialating drops into my eyes. I went back into the waiting room. After another 15-20 minutes, she called me back in again....and that was it. I was all done by quarter to 2pm. Sweet!

After my appointment, I headed outside into the bright sun and realized how blind I was with the dialating drops in my eyes. Luckily I brought my sunglasses which helped dim the bright sun from my pupils a bit. I could still only see a few feet ahead of me. The whole experience so sorely reminded me of how I lived for several months when I had cataracts in my eyes. Everything I looked at had a cloudy white flim over it. Some things I couldn't see at all. I walked slowly (and carefully) to the bus stop, through the subway, and on the bus again...and made it home just fine.

I'm sitting on my bed watching the brand new season of So You Think You Can Dance. The first dancer (I didn't catch her name) was a beautiful young lady who had rheumatoid arthritis. In spite of the terrible joint stiffness that plague many people with RA, she danced just beautifully. In fact, when she finished, Nigil said that he'd be shocked if she didn't make the top 20. Wow!

I hope to find out her name soon. I'll definitely be rooting for her

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Wanna see some cool pictures of me?

Tonight after dinner, one of my co-workers/friends and I went out for an hour or so. She's really into photography and I've been bugging her to take pics of me for some time.

I got my wish :)

Here are the results. I think they came out great.


Monday, May 18, 2009

Congrats to My Pops

On Saturday, my family and I attended an awards ceremony where my Dad was winning an award. He won a humanitarian award for his tireless volunteer efforts. This particular award was concerned with sickle cell anemia. My father is instrumental in organizing walks and fundraising efforts for sickle cell. He also helps raise funds for a camp called Camp Jumoke. This camp is for children with sickle cell. It's pretty great as these kids have to worry so much about their health whenever they are away from home. It's great that they can go to a camp with trained medical professionals there to help when and if the need arises.

I do not have sickle cell, but I do have sickle cell trait. I got the trait from my mother. This essentially means that I have inherited one of the genes of the disease, but do not have full blown sickle cell anemia. My parents are west african, and it is said that 25% of west africans have the sickle cell trait.

Things like this scare me/make me nervous. Against all odds, perhaps, I DO want to have children of my own someday. But I'm also afraid of what I might pass on to my child. Will they suffer from the same illness(es) that I suffer from? What if my partner/father of my child has sickle cell trait as well? It's all very scary, but I still remain full of faith and hope that things will turn out as they are supposed to turn out in the end.

Below is a picture from the awards ceremony. This picture consists of my sister, my brother's girlfriend, my brother, my mother, my father, and moi!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Another 2 long days gone!

So another 2 lonnnng schoolvdays are gone and I couldn't be more glad! Once again, so far, so good.

While at school today, my nurse called me about my blood work. It was all incomplete! I KNEW it! When I dropped my blood work off, I did have that feeling that the person I was handing my blood to had no idea what was going on. To be honest, she seemed more concerned with adjusting her "protect me from H1N1" mask than listening to what I was telling her.

According to my nurse, my hemoglobin was running at 138! (or, 13.8). While low hemoglobin is bad, hemoglobin that is too high is also not good. If my hemoglobin is too high, I am more likely to clot my circuit. The other blood work can wait, but it's important to at least do the hemoglobin so we can see if my aranesp needs to be lowered or something.

I'm selling one of my old cell phones on ebay. It's so frustrating when you list something and all these scam artists bid on it and try to convince you to send the phone somewhere OTHER than Canada or the United states. I get really nervous when I start an auction...and someone joins ebay the VERY same day and starts bidding on my item. I put a restriction on the auction that stipulates you MUST have a valid paypal account to bid on my item. We'll see what happens when the phone actually sells :(

I'm soo glad that I'm off from work this week. Usually I'd work tomorrow...but I'm gonna set my dialysis machine for 8 hours and 20 minutes...and sleep myself into paradise. Then, I'll get up, disconnect myself, disinfect, shut the water off...then go back to sleep!


Monday, May 11, 2009


Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday to ME!! ...and my older sister toooooo!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Ode to Mommy

Today is mother's day, and I love my mom very much.

What's one word I can use to describe my mother? Commitment.

How does a mother cope when their youngest child is in the hospital? What kind of person gets up at 4am to go to work until 5pm, then once they get home, make a home cooked meal, pack it in a cooler, then take the bus for an hour to the hospital where their daughter is...just so she doesn't have to eat hospital food?

I know what kind of person. A person who has such a huge commitment to their child that it cannot even be described.

What kind of person rubs her daughter's back when her daughter throws her back out while trying to open an impossibly tight 5 micron filter casing? I know what kind of person. A person who has such a huge commitment to their child that it cannot even be described.

What kind of person hugs you tight when you're crying? Crying about dialysis? Crying about Lupus? Crying about a so-called transplant list? Crying in general? What kind of person has the ability to tell you that everything will be alright...and you actually believe it? I know what kind of person. A person who has such a huge commitment to their child that it cannot even be described.

What kind of person still calls all of their children "baby" in spite of the fact that their 27(soon), 30, and 35(soon)? What kind of person can't fall asleep until she knows all of her children have eaten dinner? I know what kind of person. A person who has such a huge commitment to their child that it cannot even be described.

What kind of person holds your head while you're puking in a toilet, while rubbing your back to comfort you? What kind of person gets you a hot water bottle, makes you toast and tea, and makes sure you've taken your tylenol? What kind of person runs out at 9pm just to get you apple sauce...just because you said you wouldn't mind having some? I know what kind of person. A person who has such a huge commitment to their child that it cannot even be described.

I love my mother.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

A happy Birthday indeed

Monday is my birthday. It's also my sisters.

At first, I didn't want to do anything with my friends. I just felt too exhausted to make plans. In the end, I thought to myself...how silly of me to not want to celebrate my birthday! Every year is a blessing. So, I sent the message out and invited everyone to celebrate with me.

After 2 days had past, I was a bit puzzled as to why only one person had responded. After that, the declines slowly started to trickle in.

I was disappointed. I felt insignificant. I felt unimportant. I emailed my friend who answered and said she would come and told her to forget about it. I was so upset. How could this happen? How could everyone either say that weren't coming/couldn't come, or not answer at all?

After much encouragement and convincing, she and I went out together. I'm glad that she convinced me to come out as it gave me time to reconnect one on one with a best friend.

But nonetheless, I was still sad. Still disappointed. This is the closest weekend to my birthday...and I totally felt shafted. In fact, when I was getting ready to meet up with that one friend, I still did my makeup nicely...in the event that this was all some sort of joke and my friends would jump out from behind a table or a plant and yell "SURPRISEEEE!!!". Things didn't happen that way. I knew for sure when we got to the restaurant and my friend said "table for 2, please".

The day before, two of my co-workers took me out for my birthday...and that was great as I really love those two girls. I'm sure tomorrow will be good too as it is mother's day and we are going to go to the cheese boutique and watch a chef demonstration...and then out for mother's day lunch (or dinner...or something in between). On Monday, the actual day of my (and my sister's!) birthday, we will meet and go grab a bit to eat. That'll be fun too. So my birthday will be fun, and it will be full of great things...but unless something miraculous happens...it certainly won't be great. I couldn't be more disappointed.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Not quite a "carrie" moment (Peckham DSEN), but very close to it

Nothing unusual about this morning. I disconnected myself, cleaned and disinfected my machine, and took out my needles. I still felt a bit tired so I decided to go back to bed and lie down. Hmm, why does my blanket feel wet? Did I accidentally spill my water?

Of course not. My arterial decided it wasn't yet clotted and decided to throw up all over my arm, my bed, and my pillow cases.

Aw mannnn!! I'm soo tired right now but I have to act fast otherwise my bed sheets will stain :(

I quickly stuck my arm into the sink and washed my forearm. My arm was no longer dripping blood, but the only thing holding the leaky arterial from spurting was an exhausted bandage.

I went back to my table and opened up a package of 4X4 gauze. I sat and held my arm for about 4 or 5 minutes. When I was satisfied that I had clotted, I gently removed the soaked bandage on my arm and replaced it with a fresh one.

"This is NOT happening to me today" I thought as I opened a package of 2X2, placed it over the bandage and tightly taped it to my arm.

Now to rip the sheets off of my bed. In my exhausted state, I removed the sheets and threw them into the washing machine.. I also had a bunch of clothing at the end of my bed that I've been too lazy to launder...might as well do that now too.

Believe me when I say I was exHAUSTED. With many a break in between, it took me all morning and most of the afternoon to clean up. By the time I was done all I could do was collapse in bed and pass out. I woke up after 30 minutes or so but it was enough to refresh myself!

So that's my gorey blood story. Hope you hated it as much as I did.


Tuesday, May 5, 2009


This is going to be a short post as I'm going to go home soon. I'm at the computer lab at school waiting for my dad to pick me up after an exhausting long day. I started at 8am and end (technically) at 6pm. It is 4:32 now as the first classes of the semester never run until the end...even when the semester actually gets started classes rarely run to the very last minute.

I chose to have 2 classes on Monday (with a 2 hour break in between...snore!) and 3 classes on Tuesday. By doing it this way, I can have Thursday and Friday off. I work on Wednesday, Saturdays, and Sundays. This way, I have 2 days to sleep in (my "weekend" so to speak), and I can use the remainder of my "sleep-in" days to study and do homework.

On Mondays I have Project Management at 9am until 12, then a 2 hour break, then HR computers from 2 until 5. Today, I have HR bright an early at 8am (today the prof said she'd start class at 8:30am...woohoo!) until 11m, then a one hour break, and then Math from 12-3, then accounting from 3-6. And yes, I am aware that I am utterly insane for having math AND accounting on the same day...but the alternative was a Friday morning (8am) accounting class. Uhh...no thanks!

My friends and I who all have the 2 hour break on Mondays have made a commitment to try and spend some of that 2 hour break at the school gym. Everyone always makes such a resolution at the beginning of a school year, but we'll see just how long that commitment lasts...

Wow...I'm tired. Not "lupus" tired, but just as tired as any person would be after sitting thru three 3 lectures in one day. Oh well, I'll get used to it. And if push comes to shove, the prof said that if for whatever reason you cannot make the wednesday accounting class...you're always welcome to join the Friday morning class. I'll be taking him up on that offer as rarely as humanly possible...hopefully never!

Anyhow, my father might be outside waiting for me so I'm gonna go now. Hopefully he is so I can go home, eat, set my machine up, and sleeeeeep!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Lazy saturdays

The idea of waking up late on a saturday is foreign to me as i usually work on saturdays. Having yesterday off was fab.

The telephone line in my house is messed up. It's really staticy and sometimes when people call, it rings for approximately 1 quarter of a ring...then it stops. The person on the other end hears dead air...then eventually a fast busy signal, then it hangs up. The telephone guy came to look at it yesterday. After looking around and doing a few things here and there, he concluded that it was a problem outside that would require some digging. He said someone would come by to look at the phone lines another time. When I asked when, he said he didn't know. About an hour after he left, the phone company called and said someone would be around the next day.

So today, sure enough, the phone company came again. The gentleman did some work outside while my father assisted any way that he could. Myself, my mother, and my sister went to church while my dad stayed behind to look things over.

After church, my mother and I dropped my sister off at home while we went to the post office inside of the drug store. Back in December (on Christmas day, actually) I bought an external keyboard from Best buy. I wanted it for my netbook since the keyboard is so small. I need it to take notes during lectures at school. Well, as soon as March rolled around. the keyboard started doing funny stuff. Some of the letters that I would usually type with my left hand stopped working. Since I type quite fast and without looking at the screen all the time, I was quite shocked to look at my computer screen after typing for about 2 minutes to see that very little of what I typed made any sense. When I went back to the bestbuy website, I saw that the keyboard was still under warranty, so I emailed the company.

They replied very promptly (about 3 hours later) and sent me an RMA number and instructions on how to send the product back. The only bad thing that I can say is that I had to pay for return shipping myself. So, after church, we went to the post office and I sent the keyboard back. School starts tomorrow so I hope to get my keyboard back soon.

Anyhow, time for me to go online and check out the gift I'd like to get for my sister for her birthday (May 11...which is also my birthday!) I know what I want to get her, but I'll refrain from mentioning it now, lest she visit my blog and be wise to what she'll be getting next week.
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